Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
