I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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