Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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