I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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