Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
