the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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