My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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