A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
