i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
