guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Found the puke drawer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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