I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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