apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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