My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
