She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
