My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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