I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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