i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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