At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
