Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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