It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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