Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
