I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
