So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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