It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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