Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
