Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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