Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
