My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she told me i tasted like america
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
