Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
