I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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