I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
