Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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