My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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