I think I am morally bankrupt
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
