Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
