The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
