saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
