On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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