fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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