Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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