when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
