At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
