I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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