My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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