I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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