If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i will never coherently bang her
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
