Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
