the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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