The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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