I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
