I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
